The sickness

There is so much to say and to thank God for, He has been incredible in the midst of the hardest and darkest trials of my life. I really want to write out my story from beginning to end, and in that bring glory to God... because honestly He is SO good!
Thank you Allah

I was up and it was 9:00 PM and I was just unable to rest. I know you are able to move in a powerful way- but do you even want to? My faith is so weak and I feel I do not deserve anything. I long to grow and be the man you desire me to be- but I feel there so much I don't understand.

Well,I faced a really terrible sickness just now. I was gagging 'cause of my dinner. Maybela,the meals were not chewed properly then accumulated in my throat-so bad to explain how. So just when I think I have passed through the tough stuff- I find out I still have to do something. It was badly painful. I have never 'tercekik' before this!

It was very uncomfortable- but ultimately it's showing me how to draw and feed off God and learning to get what I need from Him instead of off of those I love. That moment baru nak ingat Tuhan. Haih.. Well,the thing that I wish to highlight is just be a man or lady that always keeps their heart towards Allah. Haha. Bala can be sent everytime jer taw. And no wonder,aku kena tonight. Thankful lah still alive and able untuk mengunyah lagi. So totally freaking bad la my face tadi.
I didn't know actually what to do bila 'tercekik' nie. My mum asked me to puke. Haha. Sounds weird right? But,that is the fact. I have to dispose my accumulated-meals out of my throat either by hook or by crook. Then,'everything' was fully removed la sket rather than stucked in my cute throat.

Anyway,every single thing was just fine after the removing out my 'tercekik-meals'. Looks funny right? But,it was so fucking painful. So far the experience has been really bittersweet. I feel at such conflict within myself, like I am fighting against my wants and surrendering to yours. I need to collect what strength I have to wait on you and allow YOUR plan to unfold in my life... who knew it would be SO hard. U know what?! 'cause of this case pown makes me feeling so ashamed with my life. Dengan makanan pown jadi penyakit,instant plak tue.

It was a very exciting yet scary thing- but it's been neat to be shown a specific purpose for every miscarriage and loss I have experienced. It's crazy to think that my life is better than it has ever been in many ways- I have never been closer with my mom, I have found new motivation to do things that I never able to do before, my relationship with God keeps growing and I am learning to hear from him more, I have never been more in love with myself. But yet in the midst of all this there is still something missing. Cewaah. 

Anyway,conclusionnyer makan kena totally be careful and bersopan-santun macam kartun! Haha. Catch ya later. I love you,HaNi. Thanks for the care when I felt the pain.

Thanks for the care,mom and you,HaNi.


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